Tonya M. Fleetwood

Go to Documents index

Paper:"The Importance of Being Bilingual"
Year in School: College Sophomore
Class: Interpersonal Communication
Date written: April 23, 2002

What would be your answer if someone asked you if you were bilingual? Unless you spoke two different languages, your immediate response would be no. What if someone asked you if you could speak comfortably within the contexts of the opposite sexes’ speech pattern? You might think about this question for a few seconds and come to the conclusion that it is not that hard to speak to the opposite sex, so your answer to the question is yes. However, it may not occur to you that there are distinct differences in the speech patterns of men and women. You may think it to be silly that being ‘bilingual’ can occur within the same language. Distinct speech patterns are less obvious when they are in the same language. The way language is learned, the goals of communication, and the styles of discoursing are all different (Wood).

“Words can destroy. What we call each other ultimately becomes what we think of each other, and it matters;” (Beebe et al 171) a quote said perfectly by Jeanne J. Kirkpatrick. I truly believe that verbal communication is one of the most powerful tools a person possesses. I have always prided myself on being an effective communicator regardless of a person’s sex, especially when it comes to my family. I’m an only child, so I’ve always been more on the independent side. However, the second semester of my freshman year, I learned just how much of a difference there is between gendered communication. My mom and her boyfried-of-19-years, Duane, came to visit. Duane has pretty much been the only father figure in my life, so I more or less consider him my parent. I was very excited about them coming. I had planned out multiple activities for us to do everyday that they would be in the city. I even spent quite a bit of money to buy tickets to my favorite musical for the three of us. I was going to surprise them too, with every detail. Duane and I have always had some communication barriers, but they never quite surfaced until this trip. The first day I had gotten tickets for us to go to the Conan O’Brien Show. We had to wait a fairly long amount of time before we were aloud to go into the studio. Duane was complaining pretty much the whole time. He was either whining about his feet hurting or making fun of someone walking by or pestering me about when he was going to get to meet my friend, Bart. The next day I had made reservations for us to see the Ricki Lake Show. My mom is a major ‘Ricki’ fan. More complaining from Duane occurred. We decided to go to the Hard Rock Café. More complaining. Later that evening, my friend, Melissa, came over to meet my parents. She was going to be my roommate the following year, so I wanted them to meet. Duane barely spoke to her. However, he couldn’t stop asking about Bart (like I mentioned earlier). You see, Bart is a male, and he’s my friend. Duane sees that as something to tease me about. He did not seem to have any interest in any of my other friends. Duane obviously had a problem with the trip, since he couldn’t stop complaining. When we went to lunch the next day, I casually brought up that I would like there to be no complaining when we attend the musical. It is my favorite, so it is important to me. Duane was offended and proceeded to be difficult all day. We went to the musical; everything was going well so far. Then we decided to go get something to eat; everything was still going fine. After that we started walking back to my dorm. It was around 2:30 in the morning. Duane asked me what I had planned now. Since it was my parents, I had just assumed they were tired. I told him that we were just going to go back to the dorm. He thought that I would take him to one of my favorite bars. I tried to explain that going to a bar with my parents is not something I would enjoy at this stage in my life. He got very angry. We went back to my dorm. I was crying, which made my mom cry, and Duane fell asleep without saying anything else. They left the next day. Duane had the audacity to say “thanks for a great weekend”.

This experience with Duane acting the way he did put a huge damper on our relationship. In my mind, Duane was on a very high pedestal, since he had always been there for me and my mom. He completely ruined the image I had of him. We do not have a very close relationship now, and I do not know if we ever will. After doing research about the differences in the way men and women speak, it is clear to me that misinterpretation causes most communication problems between genders. I know that a lot of the problems Duane and I had was because of the way each of us constructed meaning from what the other was saying. If I had read some of the articles before my parents’ visit, then maybe I would not have been so upset. I would have understood that Duane was not understanding the way I was speaking, however, I would have been able to understand his speech pattern. Therefore, it would have been easier for me to dismiss it or approach talking to him about it.

Something important to point out here is that the same people were in my environment until I came to college. Now that I’m a sophomore and have adapted to the lifestyle of a New Yorker, I am often baffled at how I managed 18 years of small-town life. I really feel like a different person. Duane and I may have had such a difficult time communicating because we were both being exposed to a different lifestyle. Duane knows nothing about living in the city. I had been living in New York long enough to make a difference. When my parents came to visit me that was the first time I’d been around Midwestern attitudes and communication styles since I had started college.

When trying to understand the differences between speech patterns of men and women, it is crucial to realize that communication styles are developed as we grow up. It begins when a person is a child. I have a very close family. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all live in my tiny town (population: 200). My family is my whole world. Nothing is more important to me. My family played a vital role in helping to develop my communication skills. My little brother was not born until I was 6 years old. Therefore the rest of my family, mostly my mom, my grandma, and my uncle Ronnie, were my primary playing partners for most my early years. I made positive assumptions about both genders, and I started communicating with adults at an early age. The following few paragraphs will discuss the socializing of boys and girls in terms of ‘play’.

A good way to gain insight into how girls and boys learn the norms of communication is to observe children when they play. In interaction with peers, boys and girls learn how to talk to each other and how to interpret what is being said. They discover rules to display involvement and interest (Wood 19). Young children almost always play in sex-segregated groups, and boys and girls games tend to be different.

Girls’ games are usually in pairs or small groups, like ‘playing house’ or ‘school’. These games do not have clear-cut goals or rules. The games are not structured, so the players have to talk amongst themselves to decide what they are doing and what roles they have (Wood 21). I relate completely with this. When I was a little girl, I loved to play house and school. It was fun to be creative and make up whatever world I wanted. The same went for when I played with my barbies. When there was a group of us (girls) who wanted to play house or school, I remember that the boys never wanted to play with us. They thought it was for ‘babies’ or that it was too ‘girlish’. Girls’ games teach three basic rules for communication. The first is that you have to use cooperative talk to create and maintain relationships. The process is the key to communication, not the content. The second rule is to avoid criticizing, outdoing, or putting others down. The third rule is to pay attention to others and to relationships (Wood 21).

Boys’ games usually involve fairly large groups, like playing football or baseball. Most boys’ games are competitive, have clear goals, and have organized rules. Since there is a structure of goals, rules, and roles, there is little need for talk, besides basic strategic discussions. The games focus on an individual’s status being measured by standing out, being better, and dominating other players (Wood 20). When I think of Duane, everything about boys’ games still applies to him today. He does everything with domination. Also, when he was younger, I know that he played a lot of sports. He played football every year of school, even junior high. Boys’ games teach three basic rules of communication. The first rule is to use communication to assert yourself and your ideas. You should use ‘talk’ to achieve something. The second rule is to use communication to attract and maintain an audience. The third rule is to use communication to ‘compete’ with others. Boys’ games basically focus a lot on individuality and competition. Boys learn they must do things in order to be a valued member (Wood 20). So now that the basics are established, and we have an idea of where communication styles come from, we can move on to how these differences cause trouble in relationships.

For most women, communication is a primary way to establish and maintain relationships with others. They engage in conversation to share themselves and to learn about others (Wood 21). Men on the other hand, use words in a different way. Men avoid disclosing personal information that might make them appear weak or vulnerable. They see speech as a way of exerting control, preserving independence, and enhancing status (Wood 23). Men have learned to speak in a linear manner that highlights the main points to ultimately get to the climax. Females, rather, tell more details when speaking. A woman will tend to insert more information about the people involved and the setting. The more detailed the discourse is the more the woman will feel that her listeners are a part of the conversation. Men often find women’s ways of speaking wandering and chatty. Women often find men’s style too abstract and lacking important details (Wood 26). When my parents arrived at my dorm, I asked them how the plane ride was. Duane gave me about a two second answer. I was used to Duane answering like this, so I had already assumed he would respond that way. I was more interested in what my mom was going to say. It is annoying now to think about how Duane always describes events with no details.

Numerous studies have suggested that men and women use different sounds when pronouncing certain letters. While this largely can be due to your place of origin, it also can depend on your social surrounding. It is suggested that women are more likely to use standard grammatical forms in a given social setting (Borisoff and Merrill 21). When my parents and I went to a public place, Duane did not make any effort to be ‘presentable’. We are from Iowa, and he is your stereotypical farm-boy. His grammar is not necessarily correct. I sometimes talk colloquial too, however, when I’m in a public place, I make an effort to not appear ignorant. Duane acts this way on purpose sometimes, which is slightly different, but still as annoying.

Men tend to express themselves in fairly absolute and assertive ways. Compared with women, their language is typically more forceful and direct (Wood 24). This explains perfectly when my parents and I were walking back to my dorm after eating (when Duane wanted to go to a bar). When I tried to explain my reasons for not wanting to take him (them) to a bar, I was not very forceful. I did not just come out and say, “No, I am not taking you there. It would not be fun for me.” Instead, I talked around it, until I felt I had explained it without being mean. Duane was very direct and stern. He simply said, “You always say on the phone how you have fun at these bars. I just thought you’d take us.” That was it. He didn’t say another thing the rest of the night.

Men’s speech tends to be highly non-responsive. Men, seemingly more than women, give what are called ‘minimal response cues’, which are sounds like ‘yeah’ or ‘uhm’ (Wood 24). Duane did this a lot while my parents were in the city, especially when I would ask him if anything was wrong. He would simply reply with a ‘naw’ or ‘I’m all right’. He was never descriptive. It was really annoying and just added to the tension.

Women tend to talk about their problems to get comfort and support. Men’s rules of speech find this condescending. When they talk about their problems, it’s typically to get advice, sort of in a give-take manner. In a woman’s ‘world’ of speech, not to show support is to be unfeeling and unresponsive (Wood 25). While my parents were in the city, I was talking to them about my roommates. I was concerned that they were a little annoyed with my parents taking up the space in the room. I said that I really didn’t know what to do. Duane responded by telling me to not worry about it. He and my mom would be gone the next day. I was furious. I wasn’t really looking for an answer. Duane thought I wanted advice, so he gave it to me. I was upset that he didn’t tune into my feelings and just comfort me about my worries. So, we were both annoyed and unhappy.

Something that I want to touch upon, that sways a little away from the gendered differences, but still focuses on verbal communication, is the whole issue with my friend Bart. Duane and I have different connotative meanings about the word ‘boyfriend’ (Beebe et al 176). I have only had one real romantic relationship with a male. Thus, when I hear the word ‘boyfriend’ I do not think in terms of romance, I associate it with friendship. Duane, however, automatically links the word with romance. This created numerous problems, because meeting Bart was at the top of Duane’s to-do list. It was not because he really cared though, it was because Bart was a ‘male’. Duane had no interest in meeting any of my other friends. What made it a little worse was that Bart and I were fighting at the time my parents were visiting, so I really did not want to talk about him. Duane brought it up a lot. When I tried to tell Duane that Bart and I were only friends and that it was rude for Duane to only want to meet him because of his ‘maleness’. Duane did not seem to understand. Again, we were speaking differently in terms of our gender.

Coming to New York at such a prime learning age changed so many of my previous notions about gender. I actually got to see women in executive, high-powered roles. Back home the women are teachers, factory workers, or housewives. I came to NYU wanting to be a teacher (a Midwestern ideology), only to find that teaching was not my true passion. In New York I get to explore the arts and different cultures. I appreciate people more in general. Back in Iowa, everyone thinks exactly alike. Everyone is white and Christian and most have never been exposed to anything besides farms and factories. I almost go crazy now when I go home. It is just so hard to try to fit back in with that kind of group mentality.

There was a great distance between Duane and I for a very long time. All of our communication differences really surfaced during my parents’ trip. I know that if I had been more informed about gender communication styles and the differences, then I would have been able to deal with him easier. However, I still think there would have been problems. I would have been annoyed that he did not get it. In a perfect world, everyone would be ‘bilingual’ and could speak effectively, no matter what sex you were talking to. However, it is not a perfect world, and most people do not realize there is a need to be ‘bilingual’ within the same language. It will be interesting to see how the differences between women’s and men’s speech patterns have progressed in the next ten years.

Personal Note: My relationship with Duane has been completely restored. It's never been better.



Go to Documents index Paper:"The Importance of Being Bilingual" Year in School: College Sophomore Class: Interpersonal Communication Date written: April 23, 2002 What would be your answer if someone asked you if you were bilingual? Unless you spoke two different languages, your immediate response would be no. What if someone asked you if you could speak comfortably within the contexts of the opposite sexes’ speech pattern? You might think about this question for a few seconds and come to the conclusion that it is not that hard to speak to the opposite sex, so your answer to the question is yes. However, it may not occur to you that there are distinct differences in the speech patterns of men and women. You may think it to be silly that being ‘bilingual’ can occur within the same language. Distinct speech patterns are less obvious when they are in the same language. The way language is learned, the goals of communication, and the styles of discoursing are all different (Wood). “Words can destroy. What we call each other ultimately becomes what we think of each other, and it matters;” (Beebe et al 171) a quote said perfectly by Jeanne J. Kirkpatrick. I truly believe that verbal communication is one of the most powerful tools a person possesses. I have always prided myself on being an effective communicator regardless of a person’s sex, especially when it comes to my family. I’m an only child, so I’ve always been more on the independent side. However, the second semester of my freshman year, I learned just how much of a difference there is between gendered communication. My mom and her boyfried-of-19-years, Duane, came to visit. Duane has pretty much been the only father figure in my life, so I more or less consider him my parent. I was very excited about them coming. I had planned out multiple activities for us to do everyday that they would be in the city. I even spent quite a bit of money to buy tickets to my favorite musical for the three of us. I was going to surprise them too, with every detail. Duane and I have always had some communication barriers, but they never quite surfaced until this trip. The first day I had gotten tickets for us to go to the Conan O’Brien Show. We had to wait a fairly long amount of time before we were aloud to go into the studio. Duane was complaining pretty much the whole time. He was either whining about his feet hurting or making fun of someone walking by or pestering me about when he was going to get to meet my friend, Bart. The next day I had made reservations for us to see the Ricki Lake Show. My mom is a major ‘Ricki’ fan. More complaining from Duane occurred. We decided to go to the Hard Rock Café. More complaining. Later that evening, my friend, Melissa, came over to meet my parents. She was going to be my roommate the following year, so I wanted them to meet. Duane barely spoke to her. However, he couldn’t stop asking about Bart (like I mentioned earlier). You see, Bart is a male, and he’s my friend. Duane sees that as something to tease me about. He did not seem to have any interest in any of my other friends. Duane obviously had a problem with the trip, since he couldn’t stop complaining. When we went to lunch the next day, I casually brought up that I would like there to be no complaining when we attend the musical. It is my favorite, so it is important to me. Duane was offended and proceeded to be difficult all day. We went to the musical; everything was going well so far. Then we decided to go get something to eat; everything was still going fine. After that we started walking back to my dorm. It was around 2:30 in the morning. Duane asked me what I had planned now. Since it was my parents, I had just assumed they were tired. I told him that we were just going to go back to the dorm. He thought that I would take him to one of my favorite bars. I tried to explain that going to a bar with my parents is not something I would enjoy at this stage in my life. He got very angry. We went back to my dorm. I was crying, which made my mom cry, and Duane fell asleep without saying anything else. They left the next day. Duane had the audacity to say “thanks for a great weekend”. This experience with Duane acting the way he did put a huge damper on our relationship. In my mind, Duane was on a very high pedestal, since he had always been there for me and my mom. He completely ruined the image I had of him. We do not have a very close relationship now, and I do not know if we ever will. After doing research about the differences in the way men and women speak, it is clear to me that misinterpretation causes most communication problems between genders. I know that a lot of the problems Duane and I had was because of the way each of us constructed meaning from what the other was saying. If I had read some of the articles before my parents’ visit, then maybe I would not have been so upset. I would have understood that Duane was not understanding the way I was speaking, however, I would have been able to understand his speech pattern. Therefore, it would have been easier for me to dismiss it or approach talking to him about it. Something important to point out here is that the same people were in my environment until I came to college. Now that I’m a sophomore and have adapted to the lifestyle of a New Yorker, I am often baffled at how I managed 18 years of small-town life. I really feel like a different person. Duane and I may have had such a difficult time communicating because we were both being exposed to a different lifestyle. Duane knows nothing about living in the city. I had been living in New York long enough to make a difference. When my parents came to visit me that was the first time I’d been around Midwestern attitudes and communication styles since I had started college. When trying to understand the differences between speech patterns of men and women, it is crucial to realize that communication styles are developed as we grow up. It begins when a person is a child. I have a very close family. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all live in my tiny town (population: 200). My family is my whole world. Nothing is more important to me. My family played a vital role in helping to develop my communication skills. My little brother was not born until I was 6 years old. Therefore the rest of my family, mostly my mom, my grandma, and my uncle Ronnie, were my primary playing partners for most my early years. I made positive assumptions about both genders, and I started communicating with adults at an early age. The following few paragraphs will discuss the socializing of boys and girls in terms of ‘play’. A good way to gain insight into how girls and boys learn the norms of communication is to observe children when they play. In interaction with peers, boys and girls learn how to talk to each other and how to interpret what is being said. They discover rules to display involvement and interest (Wood 19). Young children almost always play in sex-segregated groups, and boys and girls games tend to be different. Girls’ games are usually in pairs or small groups, like ‘playing house’ or ‘school’. These games do not have clear-cut goals or rules. The games are not structured, so the players have to talk amongst themselves to decide what they are doing and what roles they have (Wood 21). I relate completely with this. When I was a little girl, I loved to play house and school. It was fun to be creative and make up whatever world I wanted. The same went for when I played with my barbies. When there was a group of us (girls) who wanted to play house or school, I remember that the boys never wanted to play with us. They thought it was for ‘babies’ or that it was too ‘girlish’. Girls’ games teach three basic rules for communication. The first is that you have to use cooperative talk to create and maintain relationships. The process is the key to communication, not the content. The second rule is to avoid criticizing, outdoing, or putting others down. The third rule is to pay attention to others and to relationships (Wood 21). Boys’ games usually involve fairly large groups, like playing football or baseball. Most boys’ games are competitive, have clear goals, and have organized rules. Since there is a structure of goals, rules, and roles, there is little need for talk, besides basic strategic discussions. The games focus on an individual’s status being measured by standing out, being better, and dominating other players (Wood 20). When I think of Duane, everything about boys’ games still applies to him today. He does everything with domination. Also, when he was younger, I know that he played a lot of sports. He played football every year of school, even junior high. Boys’ games teach three basic rules of communication. The first rule is to use communication to assert yourself and your ideas. You should use ‘talk’ to achieve something. The second rule is to use communication to attract and maintain an audience. The third rule is to use communication to ‘compete’ with others. Boys’ games basically focus a lot on individuality and competition. Boys learn they must do things in order to be a valued member (Wood 20). So now that the basics are established, and we have an idea of where communication styles come from, we can move on to how these differences cause trouble in relationships. For most women, communication is a primary way to establish and maintain relationships with others. They engage in conversation to share themselves and to learn about others (Wood 21). Men on the other hand, use words in a different way. Men avoid disclosing personal information that might make them appear weak or vulnerable. They see speech as a way of exerting control, preserving independence, and enhancing status (Wood 23). Men have learned to speak in a linear manner that highlights the main points to ultimately get to the climax. Females, rather, tell more details when speaking. A woman will tend to insert more information about the people involved and the setting. The more detailed the discourse is the more the woman will feel that her listeners are a part of the conversation. Men often find women’s ways of speaking wandering and chatty. Women often find men’s style too abstract and lacking important details (Wood 26). When my parents arrived at my dorm, I asked them how the plane ride was. Duane gave me about a two second answer. I was used to Duane answering like this, so I had already assumed he would respond that way. I was more interested in what my mom was going to say. It is annoying now to think about how Duane always describes events with no details. Numerous studies have suggested that men and women use different sounds when pronouncing certain letters. While this largely can be due to your place of origin, it also can depend on your social surrounding. It is suggested that women are more likely to use standard grammatical forms in a given social setting (Borisoff and Merrill 21). When my parents and I went to a public place, Duane did not make any effort to be ‘presentable’. We are from Iowa, and he is your stereotypical farm-boy. His grammar is not necessarily correct. I sometimes talk colloquial too, however, when I’m in a public place, I make an effort to not appear ignorant. Duane acts this way on purpose sometimes, which is slightly different, but still as annoying. Men tend to express themselves in fairly absolute and assertive ways. Compared with women, their language is typically more forceful and direct (Wood 24). This explains perfectly when my parents and I were walking back to my dorm after eating (when Duane wanted to go to a bar). When I tried to explain my reasons for not wanting to take him (them) to a bar, I was not very forceful. I did not just come out and say, “No, I am not taking you there. It would not be fun for me.” Instead, I talked around it, until I felt I had explained it without being mean. Duane was very direct and stern. He simply said, “You always say on the phone how you have fun at these bars. I just thought you’d take us.” That was it. He didn’t say another thing the rest of the night. Men’s speech tends to be highly non-responsive. Men, seemingly more than women, give what are called ‘minimal response cues’, which are sounds like ‘yeah’ or ‘uhm’ (Wood 24). Duane did this a lot while my parents were in the city, especially when I would ask him if anything was wrong. He would simply reply with a ‘naw’ or ‘I’m all right’. He was never descriptive. It was really annoying and just added to the tension. Women tend to talk about their problems to get comfort and support. Men’s rules of speech find this condescending. When they talk about their problems, it’s typically to get advice, sort of in a give-take manner. In a woman’s ‘world’ of speech, not to show support is to be unfeeling and unresponsive (Wood 25). While my parents were in the city, I was talking to them about my roommates. I was concerned that they were a little annoyed with my parents taking up the space in the room. I said that I really didn’t know what to do. Duane responded by telling me to not worry about it. He and my mom would be gone the next day. I was furious. I wasn’t really looking for an answer. Duane thought I wanted advice, so he gave it to me. I was upset that he didn’t tune into my feelings and just comfort me about my worries. So, we were both annoyed and unhappy. Something that I want to touch upon, that sways a little away from the gendered differences, but still focuses on verbal communication, is the whole issue with my friend Bart. Duane and I have different connotative meanings about the word ‘boyfriend’ (Beebe et al 176). I have only had one real romantic relationship with a male. Thus, when I hear the word ‘boyfriend’ I do not think in terms of romance, I associate it with friendship. Duane, however, automatically links the word with romance. This created numerous problems, because meeting Bart was at the top of Duane’s to-do list. It was not because he really cared though, it was because Bart was a ‘male’. Duane had no interest in meeting any of my other friends. What made it a little worse was that Bart and I were fighting at the time my parents were visiting, so I really did not want to talk about him. Duane brought it up a lot. When I tried to tell Duane that Bart and I were only friends and that it was rude for Duane to only want to meet him because of his ‘maleness’. Duane did not seem to understand. Again, we were speaking differently in terms of our gender. Coming to New York at such a prime learning age changed so many of my previous notions about gender. I actually got to see women in executive, high-powered roles. Back home the women are teachers, factory workers, or housewives. I came to NYU wanting to be a teacher (a Midwestern ideology), only to find that teaching was not my true passion. In New York I get to explore the arts and different cultures. I appreciate people more in general. Back in Iowa, everyone thinks exactly alike. Everyone is white and Christian and most have never been exposed to anything besides farms and factories. I almost go crazy now when I go home. It is just so hard to try to fit back in with that kind of group mentality. There was a great distance between Duane and I for a very long time. All of our communication differences really surfaced during my parents’ trip. I know that if I had been more informed about gender communication styles and the differences, then I would have been able to deal with him easier. However, I still think there would have been problems. I would have been annoyed that he did not get it. In a perfect world, everyone would be ‘bilingual’ and could speak effectively, no matter what sex you were talking to. However, it is not a perfect world, and most people do not realize there is a need to be ‘bilingual’ within the same language. It will be interesting to see how the differences between women’s and men’s speech patterns have progressed in the next ten years. Personal Note: My relationship with Duane has been completely restored. It's never been better.