Absence
December 16, 2002 - 6:53 pm
For some odd reason, I've been thinking about my dad (and his family) a lot recently. I don't know why. It probably has something to do with the holidays. I have been thinking that my Dad and his whole family are probably pretty pissed off at me. During and following my benefit, my dad sort of swallowed his pride and decided to be somewhat involved. I would like to say that he cared and was involved from the very beginning of my health problems, but that isn't true. He and his family (except Colt) came to the benefit, which totally shocked me. When they walked in the door, I thought I would suffocate. I couldn't even look in their direction, for fear that I would let my emotions overcome my poise. I had to talk to him though. I went over to him and told him I was speechless. All he said was "I bet." I didn't speak to him the rest of the evening. I don't remember if I said good bye or not. While I was in the hospital recovering from the brain surgery, he called a couple times. At the end of the last conversation we had, it said that he loved me. It was the first time he has ever said that. He's never even written "I love you" in a card. Needless to say, I didn't believe him. I do think it's possible somewhere inside his cold heart he could have some sort of love-like feelings for me. I mean, he does make up half of my DNA. I just think it's a little late, and it just makes me so angry. It makes me angry that I've never stood up to him, I've never expressed my disappointment in him. I'm sure he knows how I feel, but he's never heard me say it. If I ever spoke to him about all this, it would drive him farther away, which I don't think I would even mind. He's never been a significant part of my life, and it's really hard to even consider him in the same genre as 'family.' I absolutely hate the words 'dad', 'daddy', and 'father.' Those words just don't mean anything to me except hatred and abandonment. I've never called him Dad to his face or on the phone. I don't think I will ever be able to either. I remember when I was talking to my aunt Karen about the 'I love you' slip (because that's probably what it was, a slip out of habit). She got angry with me for not accepting it as a dream come true. She thinks that it is never too late, and that I should just forget everything in the past and start over. I cannot even force myself to do that. He really went over the edge my senior year when he stopped my child support on my 18th birthday (November 10, not a day later). He didn't even tell me he was stopping it. I really needed that money for college. I should have suspected it though, because of his interest in purchasing some of my senior pictures. I'm sure the pictures are stored away in some drawer or they were thrown out. I was so angry at him my whole senior year. I had never hated him so much. I started publicly claiming Duane as my parent. I did not invite my dad or any of his family to my graduation. At the end of the summer, I got the courage to go over and spend the evening with him. I needed to discuss the possibility of him helping me with college. I was at his house for a good five hours, when I'd only planned on being there for 30 minutes. I had planned on just asking him about college, and leaving. It didn't quite go that way though. I think he knew what I was coming over for, so he reinforced himself by having the entire family present while I was trying to talk to him. There was no way I could talk to him about money in front of his wife and kids. It was too big of a thing. After talking about everything, Chris (his wife) finally left with Calli and Colt (the kids), and I had my chance to ask about college money. He gave me a speech how he couldn't afford to help me. He even had the audacity to mention that the stopping of my child support came at a good time for him since he needed to fix up his house. I left shortly after he told me to keep in touch. (just writing this infuriates me) I just cannot understand how someone can treat a person like that. I'm not just any person either, he helped create me. I'm his daughter. I just really do not want him in my life, and it's almost like no one understands why. Even my mom pressures me about it. She doesn't want them thinking anything bad about her. I don't even know why she cares. She especially pressures me about my grandparents (his parents). I'm not ignoring the fact that they probably are concerned about me, especially recently, but why doesn't my family understand how angry I am. Why should I drive to see them, write them, call them, express any concern for them when they've been absent my whole life? Just because they've had a semi-revelation upon the discovering of my brain tumor doesn't mean that I can forget everything. It just makes me so angry. SO ANGRY...
