Seizure!! What??!!??
February 28, 2003 - 2:39 pm
This has been the worst week I've had in a really long time. Not only did it start with the-Monday-from-hell, but certain physical ailments are surfacing again.
You see, ever since Monday I have been so stressed out and so down on myself. It's a combination of things. It's not just that I missed those classes. It's also because of this stupid fight with Bart. I hate being in fights with people that I'm close with, even if I know it wasn't my fault. I really wish I could just email Bart and tell him that we don't need to fight anymore, that I'm not angry. But it's not true. I'm still very much angry, and I know he's angry at me. I'm sure we'll eventually get over it, but I'm not quite ready to forgive him.
My friend Jodi brought some things to my attention that I feel I need to elaborate on. She commented that I fail to realize just where I'm at and how lucky I am to be doing the things that I am doing. She said this mostly in regards to me complaining about Bart and Monday. She said that it probably won't matter in 20 years that I missed my train and my classes. I completely understand where she is coming from and why she said that. However, (this is what I told her) I can't just let the fact that I'm in another country and experiencing new things blanket the other things that bother me. Of course I'm thankful that I get to experience things that a lot of people will never get to do, but that doesn't mean that I can also ignore everything else that goes wrong. In the grand scheme of things, the fact that I'm in London and that I've been to Paris will probably be the only things that really matter. However, missing those classes and spending that money DOES matter right now. I can't ignore those things, because they cost me SO much!
I really need to snap out of this semi-depression that I've worked myself into, because it isn't helping anything. It is, in fact, making things SO much worse. You see, Wednesday night I went outside with Tanya to just hang out. I had been really depressed and stressed out all day (for no apparent reason). Tanya went inside before I did, and a few seconds after she went inside, I started to shuffle the same stressful thoughts through my mind. The same stupid thoughts about fighting with Bart and missing my classes and being so low on money and feeling guilty about everything and blah blah blah. Well, I started to feel this little nerve twitch in my right elbow, then all the nerves in my right arm seemed to be jumping out of control. I was having a focal seizure. Very scary. Worst feeling in the world. I know that it happened because I'd been stressing myself out so much. I wish I could make all these things that are troubling me go away, but they just won't go away. They are constantly invading my mind, plaguing me. ARGH!!!! MENTALLY SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!
Only now things are worse, not only do I have all those other things to worry about, I know have seizures to worry about. The fact that a seizure even occured it something to worry about. I have to go back on my Depakote-weight-fucking-gaining pills. And now my roommate Sara, who wants to be a doctor, is very concerned about me. Which is sweet, but she now treats me like I'm fragile. I really appreciate her concern, and she even said that she would definitely go to the doctor's office with me. Actually she said she would make me go if anything else happened. I don't like going to the doctor. I don't like being treated like I have a problem.
Yesterday morning (the morning post-seizure) I woke up and thought I was dying. I was so incredibly sick. I made a hard decision not to go to class. I asked Lisa to talk to the teacher for me and tell him what had happened. I'm not worried about missing that class, because it is for a valid reason. However, I now have to go talk to the Associate Director of the program, Louisa Ellis, and get an excused absence. This normally wouldn't be a problem at all, but I have just emailed her about missing class on Monday. So, it's going to look really bad. Argh....why is everything so complicated right now!?!
Pretty much all day yesterday (Thursday) I was really sick. I was in bed all day still feeling depressed and stressed out. You'd think that it would just go away, gawd! That night the guys from downstairs asked me if I wanted to go out for a little while. I knew that I shouldn't since I was sick, but since I'd been depressed all day, I decided to go out for a little while and cheer myself up. I ended up going out Dave, Nate, and some other guys. It was sort of fun. I had more fun flirting with the bartender, teaching him interesting drinks to make. I was talking about movies with Dave and Nate (movies is always my conversation topic of choice). I had already had this conversation with Dave previously, but I was saying that my 3rd favorite movie is 'Babe.' Well, Dave and Nate started making fun of the movie. They started making up really stupid names for the sequel (which is 'Babe: Pig in the City'). I told them the real title, but they insisted on making rude comments. I couldn't tell if they were trying to offend me or if they were trying to be funny. When Nate said that the perfect sequel title would be 'Babe 2: Pork Chops' I immediately left the table and proceeded to find my bartender. I managed to not let that comment get to me too much.
I don't have much else to say. I've seen another movie since the last post. I saw "Daredevil". The movie stars Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell, and Michael Clark Duncan. Ooo, and Jon Faverau is in it. Well, this movie was about nothing. I kept waiting for something to happen, but then the movie ended. However, it was pure fun! Everyone was SOOOO hot, especially Colin Farrell. Omigod!!! He not only had his Irish accent, but he was funny! The accent did it for me though. He never gets to keep his accent in other movies, it was a nice treat to hear it. Ben Affleck was so gorgeous too. He had to wear these weird contacts, because his character is blind. The contacts gave him this sleepy, dreamy appearance. So hot! The music was amazing too. It was completely adrenaline packed! I enjoyed myself, even though absolutely nothing happened in the movie. The plot was stupid and the emotional scenes were too over the top to be emotional.
I am going to try to see either "The Hours" or "Adaptation" or possibly "The Pianist" today. I really need to start catching up on my Oscar-nominated-movies. Some of them are going to leave the theaters soon, and then I don't know what I'll do.
